


raven curls; edd/jon oneshot collection

by bloodyqveen



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Bottom Edd Tollett, Coming Out, Depression, Dolorous Edd - Freeform, Edd Tollet needs a hug, Edd Tollett is in love, Edd is so precious, Edd isn't always depressed, Edd wants to kill himself again, Eddjon, Emotionally Repressed, Everyone Is Gay, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Gay, Gay Edd Tollett, Gay Jon Snow, Gay Sex, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, Jon Snow Knows Nothing, Jon Snow is a sweet idiot, M/M, Mentioned Pyp/Grenn relationship, Mentioned Sam/Gilly relationship, Mild Smut, POV Edd Tollett, Post-Episode: s06e01 The Red Woman, Pyp and Grenn are always dating because yes, References to Depression, Resurrected Jon Snow, Resurrection, SO MUCH FLUFF, Sexual Repression, Suicide Attempt, Top Jon Snow, Tormund is a good boy, all the Night's Watchers are gay, maybe one day jon will learn something
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-18 09:48:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29116269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloodyqveen/pseuds/bloodyqveen
Summary: These are my three (for now) eddjon oneshots. I had already published them in my mother tongue, but clearly for this reason they reached a few people, so I decided to put them in English too. If it's written weird, don't blame me.
Relationships: Jon Snow/Edd Tollett
Comments: 4
Kudos: 7





	1. dead man

The silence was deafening. Edd didn't remember ever having a worse night.  
The dish of stew lay on the table, now cold. Tormund had brought it to him a few hours earlier, urging him to "at least put something on his stomach", but Edd had clearly not listened to him.  
That vigil had become a torture.  
"It doesn't make sense", Edd thought, "to stay by the side of a corpse. As if he could suddenly wake up." Yet it had been his idea to stay and watch over Jon's lifeless body, and it was he who insisted on not wanting to leave him even for a moment.  
«You should go back to your room and sleep» were Tormund's words. «He doesn't need company. Is dead.»  
He had waited for any nod from Edd, but he had remained motionless, sitting with his head down, so Tormund ended up snorting.  
"Jon will never be dead. Not for me."  
Jon deserved this, after all. Being close to him now was the only thing Edd could do for him.  
He was supposed to be with him the night Jon was stabbed to death. He should have protected his lord commander even at the cost of his own life, even at the cost of massacring his own brothers. He would do it. He would have killed anyone for Jon. Or at least, that was his constant thought before his friend's death came.  
Now that Jon was just a corpse, even that this little bit of Edd's strength and determination was gone forever.  
He had never been a warrior, he had never fought for a purpose, but since he met Jon he had become a new man. When he fought alongside him, he felt sure of himself. He wasn't pessimistic, he wasn't Dolorous Edd. It was just Edd, a Night's Watcher fighting for his lord commander.  
When he joined the Watch, he had no reason to live. He did nothing but complain, he never smiled, he never spoke to anyone. Then came Jon Snow, Ned Stark's bastard.  
Jon had treated him like a friend, like a true friend. Samwell, Grenn, and Pyp had been his friends too, but Jon was different from them. Jon had never made jokes, he had never called him "the Dolorous", he had never bothered by his presence but always seemed to seek him out.  
Jon had been his best friend, or at least until the day Edd returned to Castle Black from beyond the Wall with Grenn, after escaping the revolt of Karl and his traitorous men at Craster's Castle.  
That day, Edd had seen in Jon's eyes something he had never seen, not even in his mother's eyes. Jon had taken Edd with him, helped him wash and looked after him. Edd was aware that he was in a sorry state, he thought it was just compassion that made Jon take care of him. But then Jon had held him close, and revealed that he had been in great thought and that he had missed him.  
Since that time, Edd's heart had started beating differently. Because Jon was different from the rest of the world.  
Jon deserved his life, too, if needed.  
Jon had become a reason to wake up in the morning without wishing to be hit by a meteorite.  
And then, one morning, Edd woke up and Jon was dead.  
"The exact opposite of what it was meant to be happened."  
Only later did Edd realize he was crying.  
The dim candlelight lit Jon's scarred face an orange hue. Edd stroked it. The palm of his hand was tickled by Jon's black beard, Edd's body shook.  
Why was he there?  
Why was Edd still breathing when Jon lay lifeless, with the gash of an eagle's claws in his face and seven stabs in the body?  
And above all, why didn't Edd want to get away from a dead body? Why was he so afraid of the idea that the body would be delivered to the flames of the Red God at sunrise?  
Tears were running down Jon's cheeks, but it wasn't a miracle, it was just Edd.  
He had made a decision.  
Jon wouldn't have been set on fire alone.  
"I can't stand it. It's too much, even for me."  
Dolorous Edd had finally figured out what pain really was, and he didn't want to have anything to do with it.  
She slowly leaned over Jon, before kissing him.  
He cursed himself a thousand times. He should have done it before, when Jon was still alive.  
He should have done it while they were alone in the Lord Commander's quarters. He should have pour him the wine and then suddenly kiss him, sinking his hands into his raven curls.  
But maybe it was better this way. Jon would have been disgusted to it. Dead, at least, he would never have anything to say.  
The door to the room was opened with a great crash. Edd was taken aback by the entry of Tormund, Ser Davos and Lady Melisandre.  
«Did you think you'd wake him up with a kiss?» the tawny-bearded brute frowned «what is it, a strange belief of you men south of the Wall?»  
Edd felt immense shame. With a ruddy face - perhaps from the kiss, perhaps from the tears, perhaps from the interruption - he strode across the room to leave.  
Tormund stopped him.  
«Maybe the Red Woman can bring him back.»  
Edd looked at Lady Melisandre of Asshai, wrapped in her scarlet robes. The ruby on his throat reflected a light that looked like living fire. «Can you do it seriously?» asked her.  
«I've never tried, so I can't promise anything. But Ser Davos begged me, so I have to at least try.»  
Edd had never liked this woman; she was a red witch, mysterious and menacing, but at that moment he had all hope in her. If anyone could have performed a miracle, that person would have been Melisandre of Asshai.  
Edd sat up, rubbing his face. Tormund came up to him, patting him on the shoulder and whispering «if all goes as planned, you can kiss him again, but as alive.»  
"I pray to all the gods, whoever is listening, for this to happen."  
Edd didn't answer.  
For endless minutes, the three men stood in silence watching the Red Woman as she washed Jon's body and trimmed some curls and beard hair, which she then tossed into the fire. She spoke a foreign language that Edd didn't understand, but he quickly realized it was a formula of black magic.  
The short wait that followed was more excruciating than all the previous hours spent waking. Edd had harbored a great hope deep in his heart; he had prayed to the Seven, then to the Old Gods, and finally to R'hllor, hoping that for the first time he would be heard. He had never done this before, but praying for Jon was one of the many things he could have continued to do for the rest of his life, if he had to.  
But nothing.  
Tormund lost his temper and left, so Edd decided to follow him. He had just descended the outside steps to the courtyard when he heard the Red Woman leave the room behind him too.  
For a moment he was tempted to turn around and go talk to her. He wanted to scream at her, tell her that she had only deluded him, complicating the situation even more. But it wasn't her fault. She couldn't do anything more than what she had already done.  
If anyone was at fault, it was Edd, who hadn't been at Jon's side at the right time.  
He glanced at the sky, realizing that the sun would rise in no earlier than two hours, then set off for his room. When he arrived, he closed the door behind him and went to bed fully dressed, not even bothering to light the brazier to avoid hypothermia.  
His physical and mental fatigue and burning eyes soon contributed to him abandoning sleep. So Edd dreamed, and he dreamed of Jon.  
They were together, in the common room, during dinner. With them were Sam, Pyp and Grenn.  
Pyp had just told one of his stories, and now he was laughing amiably and moving his ears. Grenn was eating it with his eyes. Sam hadn't paid any attention to them, preferring to feed it to the onion soup in front of him.  
Edd was as serious as ever: he never had a sense of humor. But then Jon had turned to him and smiled at him. Edd's heart melted, so he reciprocated.  
All the while following, Pyp had bragged that he had managed to make the Dolorous laugh.  
When Edd woke up, he did so with hard punches on the door. He opened his eyes to the new day reluctantly, with his leap off the Wall as his only thought and goal. Like the old days, he was wishing for death again as soon as he woke up.  
"But, for better or for worse, this is the last time."  
He went to open with slow, listless movements. On the other hand, Tormund was shaking with excitement.  
«Finally, fuck» the brute roared «come on, let's go!» and dragged him with him.  
Edd struggled weakly because it was his instinct and habit to do so, but he didn't even want to object. So he let Tormund lead him into the courtyard, where all the brutes and men loyal to Jon were gathered.  
«What are we doing here? What happens?» asked.  
Tormund gestured to silence him, then pointed to the door to the room where they had placed Jon's body. Davos Seaworth emerged from there, followed by a figure dressed in black.  
"It can not be..."  
Jon Snow.  
Alive.  
A great astonishment arose from all the men present. It was a miracle. Or at least, so it seemed; in reality only three people were aware of the black magic used to perform the aforementioned 'miracle'.  
He went down the stairs and walked among them, greeting them one by one.  
Tormund walked up to him, so they hugged. As they exchanged jokes about the size of the dicks, Edd watched. For a moment, he felt an innate jealousy, because Tormund was always present among them and Jon loved him.  
"Of course, he preferred to go to Tormund first. I would never be his first choice. His brute whore, Sam, Tormund: there will always be someone more important than me."  
But he immediately regretted this thought, because then Jon came towards him.  
He hugged him as only Jon could (also because Jon was the only one who ever hugged him!) and Edd never wanting to leave him again.  
In the end, perhaps, today was not yet the right day to get burned.  
That evening he went to see the Lord Commander in his rooms; he would finally have a moment to be alone with him.  
Traitors Olly, Alliser Thorne, Othell Yarwyck and Bowen Marsh had just been hanged, convicted of stabbing and killing Jon. Edd had never believed he could feel such pleasure in someone's death, and perhaps it was the exaltation of this little personal revenge of his that gave him more courage. Or maybe, he was just scared of losing him again.  
Either way, he closed the door behind him and sat down on the Lord Commander's bed.  
Jon straightened up too, sitting down opposite him. Although he did not want to show it, he was still weakened after his resurrection and for his own reason.  
Edd put his arms around his back, resting his head on his shoulder. He inhaled the scent of her freshly washed hair and whispered how much he missed him.  
Jon held him; «It's okay, I'm here with you now. I swear I will never leave you.»  
«I'm sure of it.» Edd raised his head so that he could look him in the eye. «Because I won't let you die again.»  
He stroked his cheek and kissed him. He felt Jon's body tense, unable to react.  
"Just like the first time."  
«Excuse me» he said, drawing back «sorry, Lord Commander. I shouldn't have done that.»  
Thinking he liked him was madness; Edd cursed himself for what he had done.  
And then, unexpectedly, Jon got up.  
«If I had known that I would have to die and then resurrect in order to receive your kiss, I would have done it sooner.»  
Jon drew Edd to him and kissed him in turn. It was a normal kiss at first, which they then deepened with tongues.  
Edd felt ecstatic; if someone had asked him his own name, he would not have been able to answer at that moment.  
Jon made him lie down and in an instant he was on top of him.  
«Jon, no!» Edd stopped him «really, you don't know how much I would like it, but now you are not in the right conditions...you are literally a dead man. You have to rest.»  
«I'm not dead» Jon smiled.  
«We should be burning on a pyre by now.»  
«To the delight of the Red Wo-» Jon's laughter stopped «wait what?»  
«What's up?»  
«"We should"?» Jon frowned.  
«Fuck, I'm sorry. It escaped me.»  
«Explain yourself.»  
Edd sighed. He told him briefly about his desire to kill himself. At the very least, stronger desire than usual.  
«Because you are the reason I live. Here, I said it.»  
He rolled his eyes and looked away. He felt like a complete idiot for confessing such a secret to him. What's more, Jon was silent, which adds to his discomfort.  
«Please Jon, say something, or I might implode.»  
«I love you.»  
«Seriously? The Lord Commander of the Night's Watch, in love with Dolorous Edd Tollett? You fell low» he teased. Then she gave him a broad smile «I love you too.»  
Jon shook his head «no, it's not you. You're not Dolorous Edd, he wouldn't smile like that. Tell me what you did with him.»  
This time, Edd laughed. Jon looked at him dazed.  
«He too died, and then rose again. You're not the only miracle, Jon Snow.»  
And from that day, Edd truly felt resurrected.  
No more Dolorous Edd. Only Edd Tollett. Just an ordinary man in love.


	2. nobody should ever know

Edd was sick of hearing Sam's constant complaints. Since leaving Craster's castle, his fat friend had done nothing but whimper about the cold, the fatigue, the hunger, and Gilly.  
Sam was now obsessed with that special girl who had spoken to him. No girl had ever done this before, he claimed, so he was pretty proud of it.  
Even that evening, in front of the usual, fucking dinner of salted meat, Sam talked about her.  
«She is so brave. He is able to endure his father's abuses without batting an eye. And it's strong, yes. She would do anything for the baby she is carrying.»  
For the Seven Hells, not again!  
Edd rolled his eyes and sighed. Looking at Grenn, he realized that he too was about to implode.  
«You know, if I could, I'd raise him. Which I will definitely do after taking her away with me. After all, I promised her I'd go get her, and I always keep my promises. I gave her-»  
«Sam, stop!» Grenn said, exasperated. «We know how much you love her. We know how beautiful, strong and courageous she is, we know how you will take her safely away from her father and we know your fears regarding the reaction of the other brethren as soon as you'll take a woman to Castle Black. We don't need you to remind us every half an hour.»  
Edd thanked him for somehow expressing his thoughts as well. Sam, on the other hand, seemed almost offended by Grenn's words.  
«That's because you two have never fallen in love. You can't understand» he established.  
«You can't know» Grenn said.  
«No, actually no, that's true. You never talked about it.»  
«So I don't see any reason to start doing it now» Edd said.  
Sam had lost all trace of exhaustion. He straightened his back and looked at Edd and Grenn. «Please, guys. We are in the true north, in the cold, tired and sad. Jon left with Qhorin Halfhand, so it's just the three of us. We need to talk about something.»  
«And why of this?» Grenn asked.  
«As I said, you never told me about your loves. I told you about Gilly, now it's your turn.»  
Strange to say, but his tone did not allow to refuse.  
Grenn tore off another piece of salted meat with his teeth. He chewed and quickly looked around to make sure none of the other rangers were close enough to hear, then began to speak.  
«I miss so much...»  
«A girl from your town?»  
Grenn shook his head «no, not from my city. To tell the truth, he's not even a girl.»  
Sam's eyes widened, surprised; Edd nearly choked on his flesh.  
Grenn was in love with a man, and he was saying it with all the naturalness of the universe. Edd admired his courage.  
He noticed the reaction of his companions and was embarrassed, Edd could see the blush coloring his cheeks already covered with a tawny beard.  
«You can surprise or disgust yourself as well. There is nothing strange about being in love with another man, especially for us Watchers. And even if it were, I couldn't and still wouldn't do anything to change my feelings for Pyp.»  
Yes, there was nothing strange...  
«Pyp? Are you seriously in love with Pyp?» Sam asked.  
«He's the only person I've ever loved» Grenn smiled. «I love his laugh. I love the way he moves his ears. I love when he teases me because 'I'm too stupid' and I love to pretend I'm angry and chase him all over the yard. I love when he stays in my room all night telling me stories. I love his voice when he sings love songs and I love to imagine his dedicating them to me. I love that fucking idiot and I swear if I survive all this shit and get back to him, no one will stop me from kissing him in front of the whole fraternity.»  
He had spoken with such self-confidence that even Edd began to feel comfortable with his thoughts.  
Sam smiled at Grenn «I'm sure you'll be back to him soon. And at that point, everything will be fine. I'm not sure what feelings Pyp might have, but I think if he were ever in love with someone, that someone would be you.» Grenn seemed to be somehow reassured.  
Yes, Pyp would certainly return Grenn's feelings, Edd thought. It was normal. It was normal to talk about them as if they were a couple. It was normal to formulate thoughts about love affairs between two men Edd knew.  
But it was never easy when it came to yourself.  
Sam and Grenn stared at him. It was his turn, Edd knew.  
But how could he have told them?  
How could he speak like Grenn with his firm voice and confident tone, to tell them that he too was in love with a man?  
How could Dolorous Edd show his feelings to someone else, revealing his love for someone he didn't deserve?  
He...  
He was perfect. Loved by all, skilled with the sword, brave and handsome. While Edd was just the Dolorous, just a depressed deviated, for himself and for everyone.  
Someone like him would never deserve the love of Jon Snow.  
«Come on, Edd» Sam urged him «don't be shy. We know that deep down you too have a heart. Say his name.»  
Jon Snow.  
Jon Snow.  
Jon Snow, Ned Stark's bastard.  
But he would never tell them.  
He would never tell anyone. It was something that would let it consume him slowly, silently. Forever.  
Edd hadn't anticipated these aggressive feelings for Jon when he met him. Edd simply hadn't expected to start feeling emotions. But then it happened, and Jon became everything to him.  
A disgustingly strong feeling, which only needed to be repressed.  
Grenn and Sam shouldn't know, not now, not ever. They shouldn't know how Dolorous Edd, infamous depressed who 'has no feelings for anyone other than his disgust for himself' was actually just one of many weak men who had succumbed to love.  
They shouldn't know about his uninterrupted crying on the pillow, his fleeting smiles whenever Jon was around, his desire to wake up and find him next to him, his touching incessantly at the thought of those lips and those raven curls so beautiful...  
«Edd! Come on, please come back here» Sam called as Edd got up and walked away from the two friends.  
«Leave him alone» he heard Grenn say to Sam «you know he feels nothing for anyone, that cold bastard.»  
No. And they should continue to believe that for the rest of their life.  
Nobody should ever know.  
Edd lay down on his furs, away from the rest of his brethren, but that night - as always - struggled to sleep.  
Who knows how Jon was at that moment.


	3. i don't want to forget

All this had no particular significance.  
The next day, they would just forget it, as if nothing ever happened between them.  
Or so it should have been.  
Edd's shirt laces were untied, the garment thrown to the bedroom floor. Jon's hands ran along his body, reaching the breeches, pulling them off, throwing them away.  
He felt suddenly hot, which was good. The initial purpose that had led him and Jon to share a bed was to warm each other up. He had no idea how they had gotten to that point, with Jon on top of him as he undressed as well.  
They had decided to sleep together that night. Most of their brethren did this: it was just a way to keep each other warm.  
Then, of course, there were those who exaggerated. It was well known that many of the Night's Watch liked other men, and it was something beneficial from their point of view. They were lucky, at least they, to have someone with whom they could satisfy their cravings without having to sneak into some brothel in Mole Town, constantly afraid of being discovered, considered deserters and then executed.  
Of course Edd had never done any of this. He didn't like women either, but he didn't like men for that. His twisted mind made him get aroused just by thinking or looking at Jon Snow.  
Jon was his best friend - although Edd wasn't sure he was his, but it still wasn't a problem. Anyone else would have been ashamed to admit to themselves that they have an infatuation with their best friend, would have simply considered themselves wrong. Edd had always done this: he felt sick of loving Jon, but he couldn't help it, not while Jon's lips kissed his neck.  
His head was confused, he could barely process what was happening to him. Was he one step away from losing his virginity to the one he loved? Seriously?  
Edd still could hardly believe it.  
Yet Jon was real. He was there, touching him, kissing him, wishing him, and Gods, how much he wanted him too.  
Just a few minutes before, Edd and Jon were close to warm up. But then Jon had kissed him suddenly, for no apparent reason. Edd hadn't let him apologize, but he'd taken the opportunity to kiss him again, and again, and again, as he'd always dreamed of.  
"We promise what happens tonight will be forgotten in the morning. As if it never happened," Jon whispered.  
Edd had heard a tone of lust in Jon's voice that he didn't believe could belong to him. This drove him crazy.  
He could only nod; he could no longer speak, his voice was dead in his throat. He could only moan at Jon's touch, and he continued to moan even now.  
Jon's eyes were fixed on his; from his eyes, it could almost seem that Jon loved him. Edd didn't know and, at that moment, he didn't even care. Edd was the one in love, and that was fine with him.  
Edd was filled with excitement. He didn't know how, but he felt he needed Jon inside him. But Jon hesitated.  
«Maybe I should first...»  
«You shouldn't do anything. Just take me.»  
He didn't say it too harshly, but Edd cursed himself the instant the words came out of his mouth anyway. Why did he always have to be so...hateful?  
Why couldn't he ever show Jon how much he really cared about him?  
He reached out to Jon's face and stroked it.  
«Please. Take me Jon, I really want you» he smiled at him, softening his tone of voice.  
Jon seemed as impressed by his words as his smile. Edd too was amazed at himself, evidently love had a strange effect on him.  
Jon leaned over to kiss him again. Soon after, Edd was his.  
In a moment he was certain that, despite every promise, he would never forget that night. He would never forget the heavenly feeling of belonging to his Jon. At that moment, everything had stopped. Anything that could ever upset Edd's unhappy soul was worthless.  
Perhaps, in reality, nothing had ever really mattered in his life before, except Jon himself. He reflected on this, stroking Jon's raven curls during their post-orgasm bliss.  
«You know, I confess that I really don't want to forget what happened and ignore it. I don't think I'll ever be able to do that» Jon murmured over the crook of his shoulder.  
Edd smiled. He laced his fingers to Jon's.  
«Aside from the fact that it was your idea, why should we?»  
Jon looked into his eyes «I was convinced that you didn't feel anything towards me. Mine was just an excuse to be able to spend at least one night with you. I never imagined you could like me.»  
Edd rolled his eyes but kept smiling. He probably wouldn't be able to stop.  
«Of course you really know nothing, Jon Snow.»


End file.
